The Narrow Roads

I lay in bed at night unable to sleep. I feel a heaviness that I can’t explain or even identify. The room seems dark and lonely as I think about the problems I can’t solve. I look out the window and see the bright moon. It’s like I can hear it say, “Don’t worry, my light is enough for both of us.” I wish I could cry, I wish I could feel, and I wish I knew exactly what keeps me up at night. What worry haunts me the most? What burden do I feel I can’t give to God? All of the worries of this world are too much for me or anyone to handle. That is why we have and need God, but some nights, I choose not to access Him. Instead, I lay awake and access the anxiety of all the cares of this world.

Have you ever felt pain so deep that you became numb? Have you ever hurt so bad that you refuse to cry? Have you ever been broken so badly that you want to cry, but make that choice to stuff those tears inside? Have you ever had a pain that made your heart physically hurt and you didn’t think there was any way you would survive it? I know the answer for most of us is yes. We think that there can’t possibly be a way that we will ever feel joy again. We think peace is out of our reach. We may even think that forgiveness is something we could never do if it was someone who caused this pain.

In life we have so much thrown at us, and most of the time we don’t see bad stuff coming. We are thrown so many curveballs, and we don’t usually know how to hit those curveballs. Often times, those curveballs hit us in the face, and we become broken. With each curveball, we want to cry, but we don’t. We don’t want others to see our weaknesses. We don’t want to appear to others as vulnerable, and we don’t want others to see our brokenness. So, we suck in those tears, and we cry quietly inside, so no one knows. We teach ourselves to put on a smile and appear to others that we are ok, when in fact, we are dying a lit bit inside with each hurt that comes our way. Then in those rare moments when we allow ourselves to shed a tear, we will feel this pain in our chest and not be able to breathe, so we do everything in our power to stop those tears. At times we come off cold when we talk about something painful, but the reality is, we hurt so bad that all we feel is empty and numb.

We will eventually get to a point where, we can’t hide our pain. We eventually get to the point where the numbness isn’t working anymore. We will get to the point where the silent cry has to come out. Why do we care if people see us hurting? What makes us think that we are not supposed show our pain? I have taught myself to hide behind walls and cry quietly inside so no one will see me. People don’t have know why you hurt, they don’t have to know your pain, but it’s ok to not be ok. It’s even ok for people to see that you are not ok, but it’s not ok to stop feeling and to stuff the tears so deep inside that you are screaming and crying from the inside just so you don’t have feel the pain.

We have a God who loves us so much, that He will make it so we will face that pain. He will bring a situation into our life that will bring us to our knees in tears. He will one day not let us cry in silence. We are not called to be superhuman. God did not say in the ten commandments, “Thou shall not cry and feel pain”. I tend to forget that in John 11:35 it says that Jesus wept. He cried because he felt pain. Even Jesus the son of God felt pain and “wept”. So why would we ever think that we are not allowed to cry? Who told us we can’t cry? Psalm 56:8 says, You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book. I love that! God collects all of our tears and puts them in a bottle. Our tears are so precious to Him that he keeps them. If we don’t shed those tears, He can’t take them. If they are stored up in our bottle and not His, He can’t heal them. I never realized that until right now as I was typing it. Why God have I not let you have my tears? Why God do I keep them and not let you heal that hurt deep inside of me? Do I find comfort in the pain? Do I not trust You with the hurt? What is it God that keeps me from surrendering those tears to you?

I get a sense that someone reading this is feeling that deep pain. I know I can’t be the only person who is struggling with this very thing. God, I ask that anyone reading this that cries in silence will surrender those tears to you, in Jesus’ name, Amen.

I encourage you to find a place to just cry and I will too. Lay in the arms of Jesus and let Him catch those tears as you cry them. Let Jesus hold you so tight that all you can feel is His healing touch. Jesus knows how that brokenness feels. He felt that pain on the cross that took your sins, so He knows.

Thank you once again for reading my blog. I hope you don’t mind my vulnerability. I just really felt that I needed to share this with you, because I know many people are hurting. Find hope in weeping my friends. God bless you all.

“Tears are prayers too, they travel to God when we can’t speak.”