The Narrow Roads

Tonight, I am writing because the emotions are still raw, and writing is the best way for me to work through them. My oldest daughter just lost once again in the blood round at regionals to go to state wrestling. Third year in a row, and it only gets harder to deal with the loss of not going. Many have never been to a wrestling tournament or even been around wrestling. The nerves, emotions, and noise are quite overwhelming for anyone. It will either fuel you or destroy you, and some days a little of both. Today, the emotions and the nerves got the best of us. While I was trying to talk my daughter down from all the nerves, she didn’t know that I was trying to talk myself down as well. As a parent, whatever your kids go through, you do as well, and days like today, you do ask God, “Why?”

What most don’t realize, is there is so much to a wrestling season that people don’t see. They don’t see these kids run 32 stair laps and wrestle live matches all through practice, just so they can have enough air to wrestle each match. They don’t see coaches stewing and not sleeping trying to figure out how to make each wrestler better. They don’t know the dieting that some have to do, or the extra training that they all have to do just to compete. They don’t see these kids come out of practice hurting a little more than they did the day before. They don’t see some of these kids practice every day only to get pinned all day at every tournament. That right there takes courage!

So, you are probably wondering why I am posting a blog like this, that is different than the blogs I have posted previously. It’s not really, just a different twist on a spiritual message. For our family, this is what you didn’t see. You didn’t see that my daughter Chey’s weight bracket was stacked with the best wrestlers in the state. You didn’t see that she had to wrestle these girls each week. What you saw is that she placed at some meets and some she lost more than she won. You didn’t see her fear on tournament days when she knew she had to wrestle number one. You didn’t see her fall into a slump and try to work her way out. You didn’t see her frustration when she came off the mat from a really tough loss. You didn’t see the pain she had in her knees, and you didn’t see the sicknesses she fought through while wrestling. You didn’t see that as she was wrestling, her dad was losing his mind raging out, because wrestling was a trigger for his damaged brain. You didn’t see that each tournament, we didn’t know which dad she would get. You didn’t see him yell at me, another parent, or a fan he didn’t know. You didn’t see that because his brain is damaged, he didn’t think she should ever lose. You didn’t see his dementia brain take over, and chip away a piece of him each week. You didn’t see her dad try to show her moves, only to stumble on the mat and not be able to process what he was saying. So, you see, when Chey got on the mat, she was fighting more than another wrestler.

Today was an especially hard day. I was on the verge of tears all day. I wasn’t sure why until I was texting my sister. It was the emotions of all the battles this wrestling season and this season of life we are in. It was me trying to encourage Chey, encourage my little Hannah, and trying to figure out how to help my husband through a very rough time. All I could think is, “God please make something easy.” “Please let my girl have this.” “Please let my husband see his daughter go to state.” My emotions had so more behind them than just wrestling. I had fear, grief, anxiety, loneliness, sadness and maybe even a little anger if I am honest. I knew my emotions would come out some day, but I didn’t want it today. I didn’t want to cry today. Today’s loss was more than just a loss of a wrestling match/season, it was an added loss to our season of life, because what you didn’t see, was Chey’s dad lose it once again when we got home, and the pain I saw in his eyes from all he has lost.

As I was thinking about her last match tonight, I was thinking one person comes off the mat embracing their coach in excitement and one person comes off collapsing in her coach’s arms in tears. One person comes off with a crowd screaming out of pure joy for her, while the other comes off and sits alone in her loss knowing that she is done, while her friends get to go on. That wrestler is extremely happy for her teammates, but sad for herself. As I watched her coach embrace Chey today, I realized her season came down to that moment. All her fights and struggles were embraced by her loving coach who would do anything for my girl. Her coach is my husband’s cousin and when she lost tonight, it was like his own daughter lost. So, you see it wasn’t total loss. To be loved and invested in like Chey is, that is truly a gift. Chey has two other coaches, and they too have been there for her helping her grow as well. This sport will stretch you and challenge you to help you grow into the person God designed you to be.

How is this post spiritual you ask? In life we don’t understand why or why not. We don’t know the reason it has to hurt so much or why God said no. Even though we don’t know the why, we are still to do everything for His glory, not ours. Chey wore a shirt today at the tournament that said, “For His glory.” Even when we lose, we lose for His glory. Does it suck? Absolutely! Did today suck? Completely! Did I question what more I could have done spiritually to help her out, or what sin did I commit that made her reap a loss? I definitely did! The truth is, it’s not about me, it’s not about Chey, her dad or anyone else. It’s all about Jesus, and it will always be about Jesus. So, tomorrow I will get up, fight the spiritual fight again, and be the woman God has called me to be in this season no matter what life throws my way. I will fall short, and I will fail, but I fail with God picking me up each time and picking my family up each time.

Thank you once again for reading my blog. Thanks for letting me sort out my raw emotions tonight. Be blessed sweet readers!

“Glory belongs to God, whose power is at work in us. By this power he can do infinitely more than we can ask or imagine.” Ephesians 3:20-21