The Narrow Roads

This morning, I was walking on the treadmill and praying. I had the song, “Goodness of God” playing on my phone. I was praying about some things with Andy and to be honest, I was fretting about things as well. I was talking to God about my husband Andy and how he has moved into the next stage of dementia. I wasn’t even sure how to pray, because it’s so much. I started to tear up and I cried out to God and said, “I don’t know how to do this!” He said, “but I do.”

I have been saying this past year that God isn’t a knight and shining armor. A knight and shining armor comes in, rescues us and leaves us to go on his next mission. God doesn’t always come into our situations and deliver us from them right away. There are times He does, but many times we have to walk a journey before we see deliverance. At times, the deliverance doesn’t look how we think it should look either. Faith is knowing that God is right beside us walking with us and not leaving our side. A year later, I still believe this, but I am having to repeat this in my head over and over to remind myself of this truth.

As I said in the first paragraph, Andy has moved into the next stage of dementia. He can still remember things and people, but he is forgetting names more, repeating himself and asking the same questions over and over. He has also been telling me a lot more stories of when he was in high school and college. I have learned this disease is more complex than forgetfulness and agitation. There is a series of behaviors that people with dementia have that Andy is definitely showing. There are days that he cycles from one behavior to the next and when he doesn’t get one behavior satisfied, he becomes agitated. I have to tell myself often that it’s not his fault, he has dementia.

We have only been on this dementia journey a year of this journey with dementia and when I think about where we are heading, I am sad, and I am scared. These behaviors he operates in are challenging and this morning as I was thinking about a conversation I had with Andy the other day; I became really scared. At that point, is when I said, “I don’t know how to do this.” I don’t know how to maneuver around this disease, and I don’t always know what to say. It’s easy when I can just play along like I do with his dad and it’s easy to answer the same question more than three times. What is hard is when he wants to buy a new truck when we don’t need one or have the money for one. It’s hard when he says he can drive, and he wants his guns back. It’s hard when he thinks we have an endless supply of money, and we can buy or do anything he wants. It’s hard when he gets very upset when I have to tell him no or when one of his many challenging behaviors isn’t satisfied. It’s hard when I can no longer reason with him or when I have stay a step ahead of him to protect our family, finances and him. It’s hard when he is enough in his right mind to make me think he is ok and then to find myself in denial of what is staring me right in the face. It’s hard on my girls to watch their dad decline mentally and physically. The conversations I have had to with them haven’t been pleasant.

So, I go back to my title, I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know how to deal with the behaviors, and I don’t know how to stay ahead of them to keep him from getting triggered. I don’t know how to help my girls, because it’s a lot for a 16-year-old and 10-year-old. I know many others who are probably going through something that has them thinking the same thing. Some have lost loved ones, have been battling a sickness or going through a divorce. Some are facing challenges with their kids that have them up at night wondering how to help them. How do we as mere humans do this thing we call life? We do it with God, that’s how and God reminded me of this today. I said earlier that faith is knowing that God is walking with us. We can try to do it without Him, but it doesn’t work and won’t work. We can’t possibly know how to handle each storm that life throws at us, but God does. He knew that on June 11, 2023, Andy would have the first of many strokes and put us on a journey that would turn our lives upside down.

I cry a lot, and I grieve a lot, but I thank God every day for all He has done for us. I know God hasn’t left my side, because I have seen miracles along the way and God has shown me how to do things I had no idea how to do. Even with tears in my eyes I will praise Him, because only He knows how to do this. And when that day comes that Andy gets beyond triggered, and he completely loses his mind, I know God is there to see us through it. I am learning to find joy in the turmoil, and I am learning to find peace in the chaos. Some days I can’t do it, and I wear a mask, but I tell myself it’s ok to not be ok.

I share these thoughts with you because I know some are feeling the same way I am. I hope that I have encouraged someone to reach out to God, because only He knows how to walk the road you are on. I by all means don’t want to make this about me, because this journey is about God and serving Him as well as others. I write this in humility, because I know I mess up each day and I need Jesus. I wrote a blog last year about embracing the season we are in and learning from it. I know that’s what God wants me to do, and I pray that my walk will bring others to Christ.

Thank you once again for reading my blog and I appreciate the support I get from each of you. I never claim to be a great writer, but my promise to you is, my blogs will be from the heart. Feel free to leave a comment about your journey if you feel inclined to do so. I would love to hear your story. I leave you with this scripture below. Be blessed my dear readers!

Deuteronomy 31:6-8 “Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you.”