The Narrow Roads

A year ago one of my brothers was telling me about the backpack story. As he was telling me about it, I felt like I could really relate to it and I think we can all relate to it. We all tend to carry around baggage that isn’t our own, or carry our own baggage around without dealing with it. I want to share with you my personal backpack story. Today seems to be a good day to share it because my husband and I just walked through a very tough season, and it really hit me today what happened. I was making supper, heading to wrestling practice and in the midst of the daily tasks, I just felt the world come crashing down on me. I sit here watching my youngest practice with a smile on my face, and tears in my heart. My last post was about embracing where you are right now and learning from it. Today is hard to remember those words and honestly I am not there today. So here goes my story and I pray at the end you share your thoughts with me.

The other day I bought a new backpack. It was royal blue and black with sparkles on it and beautiful pockets. On the front pocket it said, “With God all things are possible.” It was the perfect backpack, and one I knew I could keep organized. I was going to make sure that I only put important things that I need in it and keep it clean from all clutter. I had so much joy picking it out, and so much fun packing it with good stuff. I even put a protecting spray on the outside to protect it from getting dirty. I can’t remember the last time I was so excited about buying a new backpack!

I brought it home, and carefully looked around the house for what special things I could pack in it. I started with my bible, because it”s important to bring the word of God wherever you go. I then packed a pretty blue notebook to match my backpack with a pretty sparkling blue pen to journal my prayer time. I also packed a small daily devotional book just in case I needed a quick scripture during the day. I was so proud of this backpack and what I put in it. I wasn’t going to let anyone put anything in it but me.

A few months went by and my oldest said, “Hey mom, can I put my phone in your backpack so I don’t have to carry it around?” I said, “Sure it will fit in there no problem!”. My youngest said, “Hey mom, can I put my LOL doll in there too?” I said, “Absolutely!” After all, I am their mom and it’s my job to carry their stuff. Then Andy asked me if he could put his wallet in my backpack and of course I said yes. I am his wife and I love to help him! These few things won’t clutter up my backpack too much as long as I put them in the right place. It’s all good, right?

A year goes by and I notice that my backpack is extremely heavy and it barely zips. I knew I had picked up a few things along the way, but it could’t be that much extra stuff. So I sat down to see what could be making my bag so heavy. I see I have collected quite a bit of extra stuff, but I don’t really see anything that could make it so heavy. Maybe if I just shake the backpack around it will settle a little and I can at least zip it. I need to keep everything in there so I can keep an eye on it and have control over it. I am the mom and my job is to make sure everything is under control at all times. If I can keep my hands on everything, my family will be happy.

One day I am walking down the street with my backpack. I am not really smiling anymore about my backpack. I am actually upset because I have to carry it around with all of this stuff in it. It doesn’t even look good anymore. The straps are falling apart and the zipper is stuck. There is a hole on the bottom as well as a big stain. I want to throw it away, but I am afraid of letting go of what’s in it. I am so tired and weary from carrying it that I can barely walk. My back hurts, my stomach hurts, my neck hurts and I am stressed out. The exhaustion from carrying it is so overwhelming that I drop to my knees on the sidewalk in tears. The backpack had gotten so heavy that I couldn’t carry it anymore, but I didn’t know how it got so heavy?

So here I am in the middle of the sidewalk crying and I am not even sure why. Then, I hear this quiet voice say, “Look inside your backpack.” So I reluctantly opened it to peek inside. What I saw in there broke my heart. I didn’t realize that I had picked up so much junk and put it in there. I then closed it up so I didn’t have to deal with it. If I just ignore it, it will go away, right? The quiet voice said, “Pull everything out.” I cried even harder, because I didn’t want to face the things in there. I knew once I pulled it out, it would hurt to see it. The voice then said, “I will help you one item at a time.” So, I first pulled out a bunch of laundry, school books, schedules for school, work, church, games, practices and other schedules. I then pulled out bills, lack of money, clutter from the house, messy closets, messy rooms and a to do list a mile long. I wanted to quit there, because I felt that was enough to deal with at one time.

Even though I wanted to quit, I knew I had more to unpack. What was left I knew was the hardest. I kept going, because I knew this was something I needed to do. I pulled out my 8 year old daughter’s struggles with dyslexia, my 15 year old’s ability to shut down and not speak. I pulled out my husband’s personal rejections in life. Then I pulled out my husband’s former work situation and I got so angry. I felt so much sadness and anger stir up inside of me. All I could think was, why did my husband have to suffer through so much betrayal? Not only did I unpack my own feelings about what happened, I pulled out his as well. His feelings of betrayal and anger about it, as well as fear he had of what to do next. In there also was his stored up anger he had carried for years in his heart. At this point I am so overwhelmed with sadness and I am wondering at what point did I pick this up and shove it in my backpack?

I am sitting on the sidewalk wishing I would have just disobeyed that voice, because what I am carrying is too much to deal with. I am a curious person though, so I keep digging things out. What comes next nearly broke me. I pulled out my personal stuff that I had shoved down to the bottom. I pulled out self hate, low self esteem, poor body image, anorexia, bulimia, food addiction, miscarriages, sexual assaults, loss, grief, broken dreams, feelings of not measuring up, feelings of never being enough, rejection, my ugly sins, and a list of things I feel I have to do to be accepted. What came next was the heaviest thing in the backpack. I pulled out FEAR! I barely could lift it out, because it was so deep and was stuck down at the bottom. I kept thinking, how did I allow such heavy burdens in my backpack? I sat there wondering what in the world I was going to do with all of this stuff? Do I give back the stuff that isn’t mine to my family? Do I try to reorganize it? How did I allow so much stuff to build up in my backpack? Am I really ready to give it all up?

As I am sitting there in a mess of stuff, I hear the voice again say, “This is not your stuff to deal with, because dear Sharon these are not your burdens to bare, they are mine. My Son died for these burdens and when you carry them around, you lose your joy, your purpose, your peace and you lose sight of Me.” I say to this voice, “I don’t know how to give it to you. I don’t want to lose control of these things and I am afraid if I let you have them, I will lose my identity and I will be of no use to anyone. God it’s up to me to make sure everyone is happy and to do whatever it takes to make sure that happens.” God then said to me, “You are not Me, there is no way you could bare all of this and fix it. Other people’s happiness does not depend on you, it depends on me. When you try to fix other people’s problems, you create more for yourself and you keep your loved ones from coming to me.” He then said to me the most amazing thing, “Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your soul. For my yoke is easy and my burden light.”

God desires us to bring all of our burdens to him. That means every problem, every decision, every trauma, every pain, every sin and every hurt. God sent His only son to deliver us from the pains of this world. He hung on cross for all the things that we carry around. There have many days lately that I look up at God and say, “We can’t take much more.” Each time I feel like giving up, He answers a small prayer to remind me that the answer to the big prayer is coming and to just be still and know He is God. Fear has always been my go to emotion, but it never gets me anywhere. Fear steals my peace and separates me from God. I wanted to share this story because I feel there are others carrying around a heavy backpack and fear is keeping that backpack full.

I pray this blog post has ministered to you and that you will share with me your thoughts.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking in anything.