The Narrow Roads

The Supreme Court just overturned Roe vs Wade. This ruling sparked a lot of rage in some, while others rejoiced. I read posts on Facebook from both sides, and it broke my heart to see the division between friends. It broke my heart to see friends of mine willing to turn their back on me because I am pro life. I was one who praised the Lord for the ruling, but jumping for joy, not yet. I know we have another hurdle to jump August 2nd. I also know that the ruling didn’t change hearts. Abortions will never stop until there is a heart change. God wants people to choose life because they see all lives as value in and out of the womb.

So, why is this personal? I have prayed and asked God to help me write this blog post. When I had the idea to write it, I kept thinking the desire to write it would die. The opposite happened. God kept downloading ideas to share in this post. What I will share isn’t going to be easy for me, because some things are very private, and painful to remember. I want to share it with you in a way that you see my heart, and my desire to share God’s heart with you.

Let me start with the worst first as we say at our house. When I was in college, I thought I was pregnant. The thought of it terrified me. What would my parents say, and what would people think. I come from a religious family who was in church 5-6 times a week. My mom was a religion teacher and an LEM at church. I went to a catholic school, and my parents drilled in me not to have sex before marriage. I was so scared when I thought I was pregnant. I thought the only way out was to have an abortion. I didn’t believe in them, but my fear was stronger than my beliefs at that time. I even went as far as calling to see how much they cost, but after the call, I knew I could never go through with it. It turned out I wasn’t pregnant and to my relief of course. I know many who would judge me for even thinking it. I know many who would even say just the thought is like killing a baby. I carried the guilt of just calling about an abortion around for years! A couple years later worked with a girl one night at a store who had just had an abortion two days prior to working with me. I saw first hand what abortion does to a mother. She was forced at 16 by her mom and boyfriend to do it. Yes forced, because at 16, you don’t have much say over your parents in the big things. She was so heart broken, and she knew that she had lost her baby. She opened up to me about the pain and shame she felt, and I just listened. I gave her a hug, and we parted ways. I never saw her again after that, but I know she carries that hurt with her deep in her heart.

Because I even thought about having an abortion, I just knew that is why when my husband and I tried to conceive, I couldn’t. We tried and tried for years to have a baby, and nothing. I watched so many friends and family have babies, and I would pretend to be happy. I would get upset when people who shouldn’t have babies, got babies. I would get upset when I would hear of abortions. All I could think was, let me take your baby. I would put on a smile while walking into the hospital to visit another happy couple and their newborn. I would skip gatherings just so I didn’t haven’t face a new baby. I rarely went to baby showers, and when I did I would be on the verge of tears. It got so hard that people would tell my husband to tell me they were pregnant. No one wanted to even be around to see my pain when I found out. I was approached once by Planned Parenthood at a booth one day, and all I could think was, how could you kill a baby while I am so desperately wanting one? I know the lady had no idea, but she approached me in a way that assumed I wanted to hear about their “options” at Planned Parenthood.

Since I was infertile, we decided to go the adoption route. My oldest daughter is the product of that route. Let me tell you though, it wasn’t an easy road either. We were told “no” 8 times before we got a “yes”. We tried to adopt foster kids since we had a license to, but it is hard to adopt out of the foster care system, because the courts want to keep families together. So we were told it would be years, and that if we had foster kids in our home to adopt, they could be taken away at any time, and given back to their birth parents. We tried to adopt privately, but the birth mom said that since I had a history of eating disorders, I wouldn’t be a fit mother. That nearly broke me, and made me quit. Then came along a birth mom who said “yes”. This woman chose to give birth to our little girl even though all odds were against her. She chose to give birth to our daughter even though she knew that the baby would be born with drugs in her system due to the drug use while pregnant. She was single, 41 years old, the birth dad didn’t want our daughter, and the birth mom had some things she was dealing with. Yet she chose life, and because she did, we have our oldest daughter. My husband and I always say, the birth mom was our hero, and we are forever thankful to her.

6 years later, I did have a baby out of my own womb, but I had suffered 2 miscarriages before then. When I lost my babies, I knew they had died inside of me. I felt the losses so deeply, and yet they were familiar, because when we were told “no” from a birth mom, I grieved just like I did when I lost a baby in my womb. That pain emptied me of every emotion, and left me feeling numb. So I know that when a woman aborts her child, she feels deep pain. Some will admit it, while others believe a lie that it was the best choice for the baby, and the mom. We are moms the very second we conceive. Whether we lose a baby through miscarriage, or abortion, we feel that heartbreaking loss. Some will say the mother is going to die in childbirth, and the only way to save her is to abort the baby. We moms would die for our children, whether they are in or out of the womb. I have told my husband that as well, and he understands that I would choose my baby to live over me. I also believe that aborting the baby to save a mom stops God from working a miracle. Please know that I would NEVER condemn a mom for doing so. I have not walked her walk. That mom hurts enough without me telling her how I feel. That is not up to me to do, and if I met a mom who did that, I would love on her. My husband’s aunt gave birth to a stillborn, and they knew the baby would be. They also knew that it was dangerous for his aunt to have the baby due to her health. His aunt lived, and the baby girl died. She was given the option of abortion, but she chose life. She doesn’t ever regret the choice she made to carry the baby full term.

Last I come to the reason to abort due to rape or incest. I was assaulted many many times by one guy. No, I never got pregnant, but you can be sure of one thing, not a day goes by that I don’t think about him or what he did to me. I have been told that having a baby due to rape or incest would be a constant reminder of what happened. We woman who have gone through this, remind ourselves everyday of what happened whether we have a child or not. It’s like a tape recorder that plays in our heads over and over. When someone aborts after something like that, they not only have to deal with the rape, but they have also added on the hurt of abortion to deal with as well. I heard one woman say that she kept the baby after she was raped, because she wanted something good to come out of something so horrific. Some say it’s not fair for the child to be born into certain situations, but how do we know what that child will turn out to be. That’s not our call to make. I want to be perfectly clear that even though I am pro-life, you won’t catch me judging someone who has had an abortion. I believe we Christians need to love on those who have had abortions, and not condemn them. We need to be a safe person for those women to come to for love and to help them through the pain they had no idea they would feel afterwards.

So, in closing, let me leave you with some things to think about. First of all we need to ask ourselves, is abortion something Jesus would approve of? After all, Jesus loves all children big and small. Second, abortion doesn’t take away hurt, it just adds to it. Third, abortion stops the plan of God. God has a purpose for each and every one of His kids, in and out of the womb. He has chosen each of us to do something amazing for His kingdom. When we abort, we stop something truly amazing. I am black and white on this topic. I tried so hard to have kids, and it took 13 years with my oldest and 6 more years for my youngest. Abortion hits me so deep, because all I asked for was one. I would pray, God just give me one. Abortion stops parents like me from adopting babies like my daughter. By the way she is proof that we can’t predict how kids turn out. She is brilliant, talented, and amazing. We prayed over her to be delivered from drugs, and well, she was! She shows zero signs of ever having drugs in her system.

We are gong to come to the point with this topic when we will have to stand, follow God, and leave our friends, or choose our friends and deny God. We won’t all see eye to eye on this topic, and in fact, this post will make some who know me turn their back on me.

Matthew 10:33 – But whosoever shall deny me before men, him I will also deny before my Father which is in heaven.

Psalm 139:13-16 – For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.