The Narrow Roads

How many times have we heard that life can change in a blink of an eye and that we need to appreciate every moment in life we have? Until you experience it, you don’t really fully comprehend what that means. Life has many curve balls and you won’t get out of this world without any being thrown your way. Life can change so fast and in a matter of seconds, your world can change. Sometimes for the good, but a lot of times for the not so good. We may not get to decide the battles we face, but we decide how we handle them.

Andy and I have been married almost 29 years and we have had our fair share of curve balls, but we have had many joys as well. The joy of adopting our oldest, Cheyenne and the joy of giving birth to our youngest, Hannah. The joy of a new job or starting our own business. The joy of celebrating our marriage year after year. With those joys came heartaches as well. The struggles I had with eating disorders and infertility. The pain of losing two children while pregnant and being told no from a birth mom who chose someone else over us. The heartache of losing a job and closing a business. We had financial blows that we didn’t think we would get through. Even though each trial tested my faith, God was faithful every time. Each trial we endured prepared us for the next trial.

Almost two months ago, life threw us another curve ball and this one really tested my faith. One Sunday afternoon, Andy lost use of his whole left side and I knew it was a stroke. He didn’t want to go into the hospital even though he knew he was in trouble. He continued to work two weeks on a roof after the stroke. He was stumbling around and couldn’t think straight. He was a totally different person and I knew he wasn’t well. One day his blood pressure was so high that I didn’t think he had much time before he was going to die or he was going to be in a wheel chair. I got tough with him and made him go to the ER. I knew he had a stroke and I knew he needed help that I couldn’t give him. We got to the ER and his blood pressure was 202/137 and his blood sugar was 500. He got diagnosed with diabetes and hypertension. They did an MRI on his brain and found he had an Acute Ischemic Stroke in the Basal Ganglia. He had to spend several days in the hospital.

While we were in the hospital, I had a lot of time to think as well as worry about a lot of things. The man I love was laying in a hospital bed very sick. I had a young cousin die just a few moths ago of a stoke and a friend who lost her husband to cancer this past year. I wasn’t ready to do life without him and I was scared I would have to. His blood pressure was still high and they couldn’t figure out how to get it to lower. I learned real quick that my faith wasn’t as strong as I thought it was. I realized that I put a lot of faith in a lot of other things and not God. I knew we were in a situation that God was the only one I could trust. He was the only one that could rescue us from the valley that we were in. I had to trust Him with my husband, our finances, our future and ultimately our lives. God showed me that I had become so dependent on myself, my husband and anything else but Him. It’s very hard for me to admit this, because I tell others to have faith in God and trust in Him. I stand in front of a congregation and teach Sunday school and teach God’s truth, but was struggling to believe it. I sat in the hospital completely helpless, knowing that my faith was weak.

One of the days we were in the hospital, I hung my head and I said, “God, I am so scared.” Not even a minute later, a friend sent me a scripture. He sent me Isaiah 41:10 – So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. God is a God of timing. He knows what we need when we need it and I needed that scripture to remind me of His power and His love for my family. I knew He would take care of us, but I didn’t know how. I didn’t have to know how, because it was going to be His way and not my way.

A week after we got home, I was having so much fear about how we were going to make ends meet. Andy had a job offer and as great as it sounded, I knew he wouldn’t be ready by the time they needed him. He was still so frail and weak. He couldn’t see, he couldn’t hear, walking was still a struggle and he couldn’t engage in conversation much. I didn’t want him to rush into a job, especially a new one. He had been through so much already and his current job was extremely hard on his body. That morning I was having so much fear and God told me to write down every fear I had. I got my list wrote out and asked God what to do with the list. I sat down with my list and started to pray over every fear I had. As I prayed, I felt such a release of fear and a presence of peace in my heart. He wanted me to get my eyes back on Him and off my worries or situation.

It’s hard to trust God when everyone and everything we depended on has crumbled. We live life day to day doing what we know to make our world go around. We focus so much on our lives and take our eyes off God. Then one day, we get hit with a life changing event. Everything has changed and it’s not going to be the same again. Sometimes it’s a loss of a loved one, loss of a job, loss of a marriage or loss of our health. In my case, my husband was a sick man and though he would get better, he wouldn’t be the same. All the stress of life hit him and he was broken down physically and emotionally. He had bottled so much up inside of him and continued to shove pain down deep in his heart. He kept moving at a fast pace to support our family and I knew that he was going to breakdown.

I have extreme guilt about what happened. I felt like it was my fault that he got so sick. He had worked so hard to support our family. There are so many things I would have done differently. Yes, I know he is responsible for himself, but I let him talk me out of taking him to the hospital many times. The day I took him, I found the strength to stand against him and say he’s going. I have told people that it was the Holy Spirit speaking through me, because I don’t speak that directly to people. The first day in the hospital, he broke down and told me thank you for taking him in. We both broke down many times in the hospital, but we were so grateful that we could walk this journey together.

This situation helped me see how much I operate in fear. I post scriptures on Facebook or write blogs on faith, but when faced with a stressful life changing event, I fear first. I have always known that fear hinders me and my walk with God. Andy’s health opened my eyes to see that life changes in a blink of an eye and sometimes you can’t be prepared for it no matter how well you planned your life out. I have read the scriptures on fear and honestly I haven’t let them soak into my spirit. I don’t want to walk away from this event the same. God allows these things to happen to draw us closer to Him and that’s what I want. People say God never gives you more than you can candle, but the truth is, He will allow things to happen that are more than you can handle so you will depend on Him.

God has done amazing things for us during this time. Every time I fear, God shows up. I know we will get through this and because of His faithfulness, Andy can take his time to heal in every way. He has been through a lot and I know God needs him to take time to draw near to Him, so he can heal. We won’t get out of this world without trials, but having a deep relationship with God will help us work through those trials. We haven’t got to the point where Andy has turned that corner, but I have faith that in His timing, he will. There are times when I breakdown and cry. I feel guilty doing so because Andy is still alive and my friend’s husband is gone and my cousin’s wife no longer has my cousin. This morning in church, I couldn’t stop crying. So many emotions I hadn’t let out yet and I know there is more I have shoved down that will one day come out. We have had so much love and support poured out to us and we are so grateful to all who have showed they care and love us. God bless you all and appreciate what you have today, because tomorrow life could change in a of an eye.

Joshua 1:9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.